In my life
by akaeve
Summary: Gibbs reflecting using Sir Paul McCartney songs


**In my Life**

(Taken from Rubber Soul 1965)

There are places I'll remember  
All my life, though some have changed  
Some forever…For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life… Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them…..In my life

**I Lost My Little Girl**

(Written 1956 when Paul was 14)

Iraq in February wasn't good; it was either hot or cold. The only thing you could really say was there was sand, so either you got sand-blasted with the wind, or it was like sandpaper against your sticky body. I had been on night patrol….18 hours continual reconnaissance…the team always wondered how I could keep going….I needed to stay alert. It was when I got back; I was called to Colonel Ryan's tent. He stood sombre along with Lieutenant Cameron. I watched as he moved his lips the words I couldn't comprehend all I remember him saying was…."I'm sorry Gunny." I left, tiredness was consuming me now, it was only later_…."Well I woke up late this morning, my head was in a the whirl, only when I realised, I lost my little girl. Her clothes were not expensive, her hair it didn't always curl, I don't know why I loved her, but I loved my little girl."_

**Carry that weight**

(From Abbey Road Album 1969)

I stood in the warm June sun, my injuries healing, but my mind and heart broken. I hobbled on the crutches and looked down at their graves. I knew now that life would never be the same. My world shattered, like my heart. From this day forth my life had changed forever. Things were now so final. I would forever _"carry that weight"_ with me. I had killed my family, as surely as I had been the one who had pulled that trigger. I should never have gone, I should have been there for you to protect you both, but I was a Marine, I went to serve my country…..but now after all these years it is I who help those who now need completion, answers…

"Grab your gear, missing Navy child….Norfolk….mother dead." I hear myself shout.

**You gave me the answer**

(From Venus and Mars 1975)

I helped carry your coffin. I carefully carved those rose flowers, and built you, your final cabin. It was the least I could do. It was you who carried me through my darkest hours, days, weeks, months….it was you who helped me, bring justice, to the person who killed my family; it was you who made me who or what I am today. You stood by me when I screwed things up, you stood by Jen. You saved my life in so many different ways Mike. All I can say is Semper Fi and "You gave me the answer" to carry on with my life.

**The note you never wrote**

(From Wings at the Speed of Sound 1996)

I am sitting on our bed, looking through your special box. I know where Kelly got her idea, for her special box, her strawberry shortcake lunchbox. Like mother and daughter, only Kelly had two, the time capsule which she buried, I never did open it, I left it where it was meant to be, and the other one, in it the strawberry shortcake doll she used to marry GI Joe, remember when we were on vacation that final time together. Memories Shannon, they are all I have left. Sometimes you're wrong, I should never have thrown that letter away. I should have kept it and eventually placed in your special box, your memory chest.

I'm sorry Shannon, I never did send the letter to say I loved you….it was too late.

**My Brave Face**

(From Flowers in the Dirt 1989)

McCartney and Costello

I always hated this part of my job…..even as a Marine, the letter the call, the "You don't know me but….." I have to keep a brave face; I have to stop myself from showing emotion. Tony and the plague….keep strong. When Kate died, I felt I had killed her, I walked alone, but we all knew that every time we go to work it could be our last. When Tony had been undercover for Jen, and the explosion, I had to keep strong for the team. I knew they were all hurtin', even the Director. When she died, I couldn't even take one look one final time at her face, I knew I would break. Ziva? I left her, with her father; she had to decide where her allegiance lay, but I couldn't let her rot where she was…..we saved. Tim,….one who has never been really hurt. He protects, he is the baby of my group…so young and so emotional…never a bad word for anyone. Even when Vance was injured, I had to keep control, show no emotion. But when Mike died…I cried in the rain….they don't see you cry in the rain, your tears flowing…..you have to keep up the brave face.

**The Zoo Gang**

(Flip side of band on the Run 1974)

I look at you, my team, you are my children I suppose….I look at you, as rivalling siblings, each trying to outdo each other for your parent's attention and affection. I look at you all, even myself, and I see a dysfunctional family group…..mothers dead, well Tim your mother isn't, but fathers…they come and go, been and gone. Ours fathers, all distant, is that why you have never been in long term relationships…the commitment to hard to bear, the responsibility? I smile as I see you as animals. I think of Abby, a Prevost Squirrel, her trilling, the squirrel's tail which flicks back and forward when nervous, as Abby's pigtails do when she is over hyper, she should really cut down on the caf-pow. The chimpanzees, Tony and Tim, Tony the older annoying the younger, he would take command, take recognition for information Tim has so meritoriously found. Ziva she would have to be a wild cat, a solitary animal. Even Ducky, his father and mother divorced…..Dukman the beaver, and Jimmy, yes they just beavered away at their work. So what am I in this zoo of agents? Papabear, no I like to think of myself as a sheepdog, I look after my flock. So….a great Pyrenees, they are gentle but ferocious in protecting, they can be known as the badger or Blaireau…I smile to myself, yes the salt and pepper hair. Hey _and with a little luck from my friends, _I might just make it to happy hour in Carlos' Cantina one day.

The end.


End file.
